The Truths of Being a Single Parent During Covid-19
Illustrations by Julia Bethan
Single parents in and around this pandemic seem like a forgotten and underrepresented group of people. There are so many complex and hard hitting issues that we at SPW are hearing and seeing being discussed by our members. From loneliness to anxiety and trying to get a food shop shop slot, to everything in between we are hoping to voice these issues, and document some of them.
Most single parents would hate to be seen as ‘vulnerable’ by others, as many are so strong and capable, but lots of the issues affecting single parents means that they are very vulnerable at this crazy time. So if you know there is single parents on your community, check in with them. If there is a single parent in your group of friends, on the school run, at your work place drop them a text or phone them regularly. Or just being aware and sharing the issues that are being felt by single parents means that they won’t feel invisible and they will feel seen in this pandemic.
In true SPW style, as well as us sharing the real issues and experiences of our members we have also included some quotes about the small wins and the more positive side of lockdown.
“I feel that I have formed a stronger bond with my child. I have a new found love for spending quality time with each other. Even though I may feel alone I still have my child to hug and enjoy.”
— SPW MEMBER
Coparenting
An obvious one is the issues around coparenting. Coparenting and navigating their way through the guidelines, that are that the children are able to pass between two households, when the parents are separated. But what about when the person they are coparenting with is extremely difficult or even abusive, and uses this as an opportunity to excerpt control and abuse. Not sticking to strict Covid-19 safety guidelines that a parent may be following.
Then there is the added stress for key workers that their child are safer with another parent and they may not see them until this is all over. Another level to the selfless acts and the superhuman strength that frontline staff have at this time. What if one parent is a key worker, and they have to rely heavily on the other parent for childcare more than usual at these times? All really difficult to navigate their way through.
What if there are vulnerabilities on both sides of the families and households? Some heartbreaking joint decisions for contact for one parent to stop, trying to make sure that there is alternative contact through FaceTime and ensuring that the contact is maintained online, is very difficult.
“I’m actually letting my ex husband stay with us for lockdown. Must be mad. We get on fine and we have boundaries in place. But this way the children see their Dad, I get extra help and he’s not completely alone. It’s not without its stresses and I’ll be glad when things go back to normal but it’s working for us.”
— SPW MEMBER
Loneliness
Single parents already feel very isolated and lonely as a group. Lots of single parents rely on the support of their friends that they have made along their journeys and make sure that they have a good social network around them. As well as the support that they get from their families. Often their social networks will also be work colleagues and even parents friends that they make on the school run. The impact of not being able to see other adults and interact is huge.
Some single parents will have gone weeks, and maybe longer without any adult interaction. A simple hug or human contact is being missed.
Single parents are also trying to maintain new relationships that they have made or have had to cease dating for the foreseeable future. Which is a big step for single parents to take, to build their confidence to start dating again.
Lots are talking about the first person they will hug or see when this has ended.
“I’ve learnt that it’s OK to take a step back and look after yourself. The world can wait”
— SPW MEMBER
Money
There is growing concerns at this time over money, lots of single parents already living in poverty and are struggling to afford weekly food shops. They are struggling with the rising costs of food and the added cost of children being home all of the time and eating them out of house and home!
Lots of single parents have had to take furlough in their jobs, had to reduce hours to minimise the pressure of home schooling, or have been made redundant or lost their jobs completely. There are also lots of self employed single parent members in SPW and they are being left until June with no financial support from gov. This has meant a huge financial pressure. There are also the single parents that have been refused furlough and the pressure of work is sitting heavily on their shoulders.
When the news hit that self employed people would be getting 90% of the average of their 3 years earnings a lot of the single parents commented and shared their concern and wonder whether some of their Child Maintenance payments would now increase due to earnings not being fully disclosed. Added to this, CMA have closed their phone lines during Covid-19 and there is no way of chasing late or missed payments. Again an example of how single parents have been forgotten about during this pandemic.
“I feel like I’ve got to know my child again. My biggest source of guilty feelings before this happened was that I didn’t spend enough time with her. I’m loving that side of lockdown. Yes, I have no money and I have felt claustrophobic the last week, BUT I do overall feel more connected with my daughter.”
— SPW MEMBER
Grandparents
Lots of single parents heavily rely and lean on grandparents day to day. They offer moral support, childcare and everything in between. Especially when there is often a single parent completely doing this alone with no other parent involved. Lots of grandparents also offer childcare whilst their children work, and this would make working from home a lot more simple for single parents with support from grandparents, but this has been removed by Covid-19. Lots of single parents desperately miss their mums and dads.
“The time to slow down and focus on just us is priceless. We miss our family and human contact for sure. But nothing beats being in this little bubble of us.”
— SPW MEMBER
Overwhelmed
Something that we are hearing a lot, are the feelings of being overwhelmed. Not being able to enjoy some sunshine as they have no outdoor space. Not knowing where to begin with homeschooling, and/ or trying to also work from home. Plus the added pressure of not getting any sort of break and support. It can all feel so overwhelming.
“As a single mum I feel this is going to strengthen our bond even more and I am so relieved I can work from home and continue to keep us all safe”
— SPW MEMBER
Food Shopping
Single parents are having to get around having to do food shops, with children and no immediate support around. Plus very hard to get online food slots available. Parents have expressed that they have been asked to leave children outside the shop, have had judgmental looks of opinions expressed by other shoppers. Or they have to make the decision to leave them in the car, as they deemed this safer under the circumstances. The SPW members are staying up late/ getting up very early to get the online shops as soon as they are released. Plus having to rely on nearest and dearest to pick up shopping for them. Which at this moment feels disempowering for single parents.
At SPW we are doing our best to listen, empower the single parents and ensure that they have a safe space to share their experiences, share advise and to lighten the load at this time. We are seeing an outpour of virtual love and kindness in our group. A final thing is that we see that single parents pulling on their resilience, and that with everything that they have already been through it seems that single parents are built of strong stuff already. But we can’t ignore that single parents are struggling and need to not be an invisible group at this time. Next time you see a parent shopping with their child offer a friendly smile and above all check in on these strong single parents.