I’m Not Good Enough- Our Inner Critic
Sometimes we think our thoughts are facts and we ruminate, which leads us in a vicious circle or our inner critic and negative voices becoming louder and louder.
We all ruminate, if I have been thinking about a negative thought in my head for 20 minutes, I need to ask myself:
Do I feel better?
Can I control it?
It is hard not to ruminate as it's a habit, but remember these thoughts are not facts.The more you tell yourself something the more you believe it and live by it. Which again is why affirmations are so amazing!
When we catch ourselves ruminating, and if it is really getting to us and bringing us down, then use this as sign to do some self care or pull out a resilience tool.
We are going to give you some handy tools to use when you are ruminating and that inner critic is saying that you aren’t good enough.
Naming our Inner Critic
We talk to ourselves in ways that we would never consider talking to a friend or even our children. These negative thoughts we have about ourselves are getting in the way of so many things.
Think of these thoughts as a bully, we can call it a name. Our SPW name for an inner critic is SANDRA, think of a name that you’d like to call it. But it can’t be an ex or someone that you know, just the first name that pops into your head, male or female.
A bully lies to us. They want to keep us down, if it says don’t do that, you can do it.
The bully rarely gets it right. Give yourself a break, be kind to yourself, think of the people that care for you and how you show compassion to them aswell. How does it feel when you hear these kind words? Difficult, awkward, comforting, warm? Sit with this for a moment.
Think what a friend would say ‘of course you are good enough.’ Unlike your inner critic.
We like to think of this as a poisoned parrot called Sandra. What do we do with Sandra - tell her to F off. Knock that Parrot off your shoulder.
“Thank you Sandra, you don’t need to keep going on about this. Or simply to tell her to fuck off.”
This is a powerful tool that will:
Bring our awareness to the ruminating
Make us smile
Remind us to replace the thoughts with some kind things
Think about acknowledging this person and repeat the statement, and remember that it is a sign that you need to show yourself some love.
Now we have all named our Inner Critic, it will now become a part of our dialogue and we will have acknowledged this horrible bully. But how else can we make peace with these nagging statements of self doubt? Let’s look deeper at this again.
Self Doubt Deeper
Let’s take a look at 4 steps to going further with your self doubt and inner critic.
1- Get to know it
What is the phrase that comes up over and over again?
You might have one, you might have a few.
You will have discussed this in listening lines.
2- Notice it is
Knowledge is power. Be aware everytime Sandra is saying her shit to you. Shine light on this, don’t ignore it.
3- Make room for it
This is the hard part. Learn to make peace with it. Every time you notice it, greet it with a smile. Welcome it with kindness and compassion. It may slip away with these very actions. But if it doesn’t, take a moment with it, breathe through it.
Example:
Mine is the imposter syndrome. I don’t know enough; what am I doing here? When I notice and sit with that, I remember how important it is for me to carry on learning and growing. Having a response.
4- Move on
Acknowledge that they are just words not facts. Get your evidence list (which we are doing next) and read the kind words about yourself.
You may even have self doubt come to the surface when you were reading these? “They had to say that.” You might undermine your own evidence.
Now have a look deeper at your inner critic, maybe you recognise some of these. Perhaps you recognise who or what the voice might be aswell.
Acknowledge them all, hear them, sit with them, take a deep breath and move on. Show up and be kind to yourself. We may have never had kind words said to us, but we can start now, it may feel alien, and a brilliant place to practice is with our children.
The Elder that says ‘it’s going to be ok’.
Cheerleader that says ‘you can do it.’
Teenage self, responds with resistance.
The child that says they are scared, and moves back to basics.
Evidence List
We’ve established that not all thoughts are facts. We invite you to grab a cup of tea paper and pen/ pencil and think about the following.
I am feeling this so it must be bad, but it just strengthens your opinion.
Is this a fact or an opinion?? If it is a fact, we need to say, is that helping me right now, is it going to change? You can accept it or rather than agree why don’t you challenge your opinion.
As part of our self care/ resilience tools journey we will be adding the evidence to combat our poison parrot, whenever we are having a wobble and Sandra returns then we can remind ourselves of this evidence. Is this list easy to do? Probably not? Does it feel uncomfortable? Probably yes. Overtime, this list will give us comfort and mean that we can practice gratitude and self love.
The whole point of this exercise is to shift your mind to the positive cycle, challenge Sandra, find evidence. Then when you are really in the vicious cycle of rumination, we can get this list and read it aloud to ourselves. This is also a great thing to do with your children.
Write on a piece of paper all of these things.
Something I did well
A time I supported someone
I time I did something difficult
Someone I was kind to
I know lots about
People that love me
Things I have to look forward to
Something I love about myself
Then over time start to make a list of all of the things that you love about yourself, including your body.
Keep this safe in a drawer, display it on the fridge, just make sure it’s somewhere that you can access easily and read when your inner critic gets too loud.
Next time you ruminate and have those intrusive thoughts, remember these quick and easy tools to get back on track. PLUS remember that your inner critic may be louder when you are tired, burnt out or in need or some self care. Never underestimate the power of self care and reflection.