I’m A Single Parent, Are You? Types Of Single Parents, Defined By Single Parents
We asked our community to describe what type of single parent they are and then comment on how they would define/describe their family situation.
We discovered that lots of categories overlap and will be individual to each single parent.
Time, responsibility, support and finances can all be variable.
When you’re speaking to a single parent, maybe ask them more about the type of single parent they identify as, then you’ll get a better understanding of their circumstances.
1.Co parenting
This is where the parents work together, with or without court intervention, to parent their child/ren together. Many children and young people have been there throughout the journey with their parents, experiencing the changing dynamics of the family unit from one where their parents are “together” to one where they are “separated”. Co Parenting looks different to different families.
“I co-parent with my ex and usually we run stuff past each other before big decisions, ie holidays, clubs, healthcare etc. I do take main responsibilities of parenting and just communicate any major changes.”
1i. Cooperative coparenting
The ideal for many of us. Implies high levels of communication and coordination with matters such as house rules, parenting rules, discipline , contact and schedule managing. This gives continuity for the children and leaves the separation as much between the parents as possible with minimal impact on the lifestyles of the children.
“I have my son 12 days out of 14 most of the time. The other parent and I get on well most of the time but it hasn’t always been the case.”
1ii. High Conflict co parenting
Here the child/ren have access to both parents but there is a high level of tension between parents, often resulting in drawn-out and/or frequent court and mediation actions. The high level of conflict interferes with custody arrangements and reduces the chances of successful parenting. Some of these situations involve issues around Domestic Abuse, in all its forms, and is highly challenging for the victim.
“As I co-parent with a ‘counter-parent’ and have zero family support it often feels like solo-parenting or combative parenting.”
1iii. Parallel Parenting
This is similar to high conflict coparenting but where one or both parents are not communicating parenting strategies. This is the most common . The child/ren is often used as a messenger and can lead to the child/ren playing one parent off against the other. Here, again, there can be signs of Domestic Abuse.
“I parallel parent, and have teenage children, we have different ideas when it comes to raising children/young teens.”
2. Solo single parent
Here the child/ren have access to one parent.
There are also differences in solo parenting as some may have a lot of support from family, others have no support, and some get financial support. The solo parent may or may not receive financial support for the child/ren.
bereavement
Adoption
domestic abuse
IVF
single parent by choice
denial of parental responsibility
parent living abroad
contact ordered not to see child/ren due to safety concerns
Child sees other parent a few times a year
“My solo parenting means I have sole parental responsibility, no financial support, and no contact with other parent since birth. I do luckily have good support from my parents though”
“I have been a solo parent for 11 years. I receive child maintenance which didn’t start until very late after the separation.”
“I’m widowed, sole responsibility since she was 20 months old. My family are very supportive and help a lot.”
“I bring up my 3 children completely alone and have lived by ourselves for 10 years. I work and run my business alongside. I am 100% a solo parent.”
Many parents feel they have to explain their reasons for solo single parenthood and face quite challenging questions as others look for blame or a cause to being a solo single parent.
3.Blended family and step- parent
Blended families refers to two, or more, family units coming together to form a new family. Members of the family may be part of several family units and the relationship ties can be more complicated than the “nuclear” family.
3a. Step parents
It's important to consider that some households contain parents who are together and parenting a child together while at the same time one or both parent might feel they are a single parent to an older child from a previous relationship. This contact with the older child might be permanent, occasional or limited. The subtle differences in roles for parents and young people in these times should be considered. Siblings become half siblings, step siblings, step mums and step dads all trying to negotiate the subtle differences in responsibilities, priorities and practical running of the household in these times.
“I’m a widowed parent of 1 & 2 step children, I deal with the children directly.”
One or both parents can be managing the relationships with their ex partner while maintaining a relationship in the household. This can often cause tension with financial matters, parenting approaches, relationships with the step parent, step siblings and half siblings as well as conflict with responsibility and authority. Many young people may not know or recognise themselves as half-siblings, others may not know of the others existence until later in life. Children and young people have different experiences to each other and can often have different relationships with the adults in the household. The older child/ren may have memories of their biological parents when they were together and notice changes in the way their residential parent behaves as they develop a new relationship and rules in their current relationship.
While the young person may not themselves be the child of parents who have separated they may have some exposure to the difficulties of these relationships as they watch and experience their parents and siblings go through this, noticing changes in dynamics and perspectives. The child/ young person may have had to adjust from being in a lone parent family, for example, to one where their parent has a live-in partner. This transition can cause anxiety for parent and child as they learn to share their time with the new partner, this can sometimes lead to feelings of rejection and jealousy as well, of course, as some of the benefits of having their parent in a new relationship.
3b.Same Sex relationships
In this family unit it may be that one or both parents that had a child together are now happy in a same-sex relationship. Similarly it could be the child was conceived in a same-sex relationship and the parent or parents are now in a mixed-sex relationship. Added to the expected difficulties of living in a single parent household the child/ren, depending on age and level of understanding, may have questions about sexuality and gender that one, both or neither parents may not be comfortable explaining this to their child. There may be questions that the children and young people bring to school that teachers etc may want to be prepared for.
There may be a donor dad or a surrogate mother, if this surrogacy is open then the biological parent may be known to the child.
“Solo parent most of the time for over six years to an IVF baby who is now almost a teen.”
We encourage you to be curious about all of the different types of single parents, each comes with complexities and difficulties but also pride and joy.