Emotional Regulation- Why Self Care is Essential Not Selfish
Let’s Discuss the Self Regulation System
The Emotional Regulation System helps us take control of our emotions by recognising our emotional "weather," identifying triggers, and equipping ourselves with tools to break the cycle of overwhelming feelings. By acknowledging our emotions early, we can prevent them from escalating into a fight-or-flight response.
Practising Self-Love means learning to trust ourselves, treating ourselves with respect, and showing kindness and compassion towards ourselves. The idea of self-love and self-acceptance has been, and continues to be, a revolutionary act of self-care.
Let’s explore how self-care works by imagining it as three islands, each representing a key aspect of emotional well-being
In Control Island
On this island, you feel completely in control. You believe in your ability to achieve whatever you set your mind to, with clear goals and a solid plan to reach them. You are the most motivated version of yourself—mentally strong, focused, and full of energy. Life feels balanced: you’re sleeping well, eating well, exercising, and ticking things off your to-do list with ease.
However, staying on In Control Island indefinitely isn’t sustainable. The drive to achieve more can become overwhelming, and over time, expectations can become unrealistic.
As your energy levels start to dip, you might notice subtle signs—feeling more tired, emotional, or irritable. But instead of acknowledging these feelings, you push through, ignoring the warning signs. This is when you risk drifting out to sea, slowly losing your sense of balance, until you find yourself on Out of Control Island.
Out of Control Island
This is where everything feels overwhelming—your body and mind perceive a threat to survival, triggering cortisol and activating your fight-or-flight response. Stress, anxiety, and panic take over, making even the simplest tasks feel impossible. Your thoughts become scattered, and your ability to function effectively is compromised.
By ignoring your body’s early warning signs—aches, headaches, loss of appetite, irritability—you’ve pushed yourself past the tipping point. Your inner critic is loud here, feeding self-doubt and fear of failure. You feel stuck, unable to achieve anything, and constantly afraid of falling short.
Getting back to In Control Island from here takes more than just willpower; it requires long-term solutions like counselling, rest, medication, or time off work to truly regain balance.
But what if we didn’t let ourselves drift this far? If we had recognised the early signs—perhaps a sore back, headaches, or feeling snappier than usual—we could have redirected ourselves to a much healthier place: Emotional Regulation Island.
Emotional Regulation Island
On this island, we accept that we don’t need to be in control all the time. Instead, we slow down, take a breath, and focus on what will genuinely help us feel less stressed. Here, we ask ourselves:
What do I need right now to feel calmer?
Then, we put this into action through self-care—whether that’s rest, movement, mindfulness, or simply taking a moment to pause.
Notice how close Emotional Regulation Island is to In Control Island—just a few steps away. This means we can hop back and forth whenever we need to, using it as a reset rather than waiting until we feel overwhelmed.
Hopefully, this has shown how crucial it is to recognise triggers early and check in with yourself regularly. Knowledge is power, and by tuning into our emotions instead of ignoring them, we can break the cycle before it spirals.
Ideally, you’d visit Emotional Regulation Island at least once a day—some days, you might spend more time there, fully recharging. Other times, just five minutes can be enough to feel grounded and ready to hop back to In Control Island.
Things to remember:
Take a step back – Pause, breathe, and give yourself space to reset.
Be kind to yourself – Speak to yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend.
Stop comparing your journey to others – Everyone moves at their own pace. Focus on your progress, not someone else’s timeline.
Surround yourself with people who uplift you – The right people will encourage and support you, not drain you.
Learn to accept compliments, however small – You are worthy of recognition. Let yourself hear and believe the good things others see in you.
Accept imperfections and allow yourself to make mistakes – Growth comes from learning, not from being perfect.
Accept that we can’t stay in control all the time – Not every moment needs to be productive. We all need time to reset and rest.
Self-care is essential, just like eating and drinking – It’s not a luxury; it’s a necessity. Make it part of your daily routine.
Self Care Quick List:
Roll your shoulders, and relax them
Unclench your jaw
Three deep breathes, breathing out longer than your breath in
List top 3 priorities
Ask for help/ talk to a friend/ colleague
Light a candle
Self Care 5/ 10 Minutes:
Sit with a cup of tea/ coffee/ drink
5/ 10 minutes mindfulness
Go for a brisk walk
Take a 5 min break
Have a conversation with your safe person, text, facetime, call
Read a book for 5 minutes
Sit with your feet up for 5 minutes
Text a friend
Go outside and feel the sun/ wind/ rain on your face. Even just sit in a window to feel the light on your face.
Do a body scan
Adjust your schedule/ to do list
Self Care 1 Hour or More:
Bath
Long walk
Chat to a friend
Gardening
Yoga session
Counselling
Getting outside in nature all day
Having an early night
Exercise class
Meet up with a friend
Watch a comedy show
Anxiety Grounding Techniques:
If these senses aren’t available to you, you can either get a sense of the smell of lavender or imagine a calming noise. Or concentrate on the senses that are available to you. Or if you particularly love smelling things then make this your number 5! Adjust the numbers based on your favourite senses.
5 things you can see
4 things you can touch
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste